This is part four of my Downtown bit. This one was originally written in the first person, but didn't fit in as well with the other third person pieces.
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Another Jack and seven gets him one step closer to destitution as he sits there in the shadows that seek out guys like him. This smoke-filled, last-stop booze joint caught him in his tumble down through towns he doesn’t recall and women that never stuck. Days travelling from gig to gig, him and his guitar lookin’ for a good time and an audience, are fresh in his mind amid a haze of other things – the “good ol’ days”.
Round the bottom of Jack number four he gets to wondering what ever happened to that guitar.
The bartender looks his way and he knows he's been mumbling out loud. He throws back the last of his drink and makes his way home, stumbling out the door into tomorrow to go home and dream about yesterday.
The part about wondering what happened to the guitar packs one helluva punch
ReplyDeleteObviously I haven't read the first person version of this, but I think 3rd would work best - I suspect this fellow would give a less honest view of his downward spiral than the all-seeing 3rd person
Agreed. 3rd person allows the reader a better view of this character's life, even in such a short piece. Would be interested to see how you wrote in 1st, though.
ReplyDeleteoh how I like this series..hope and despair packed with punch for so few words..
ReplyDeleteVery short but what an impact. It makes me think of some of Jim Croce's down and out songs. In fact, I'm going to have to play them now. Love Croce, and loved this.
ReplyDelete~jon
Love this line - stumbling out the door into tomorrow to go home and dream about yesterday.
ReplyDeleteIt packs a punch!
Gritty and full of heart. Excellent voice for this perspective and a nice addition to your Downtown pieces.
ReplyDeleteWay cool, Laurita. I wish I would have thought of something like this.
Aren't we all looking for a good time and an audience?
ReplyDeleteI like this series.
Though I've enjoyed the entire Downtown series, this is my favorite by far. I definitely want to know more about this man and what happened to his guitar. Love this line - "stumbling out the door into tomorrow to go home and dream about yesterday." Beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI can't help but wonder - will all these characters wind up together somewhere downtown, as a sort of finale?
Thank you, everyone, for the kind comments.
ReplyDeleteJon, when I finished the first person of this it very much reminded me of Kristofferson's drunken dreamer type of character. Not that I am even close to his league. :D
Deanna, I have been thinking up a finale. Nothing yet. It's going to be tough tying all these guys together. I'm glad you're enjoying them.
Continue to enjoy and be impressed by your Downtown series.
ReplyDeleteAs others have mentioned, the last line is absolutely brilliant!
"stumbling out the door into tomorrow to go home and dream about yesterday. " Great Stuff!
ReplyDeleteI could see and feel the destitution in this piece. Well done.
You write in the same way a pitch-perfect singer sings.
ReplyDeleteEvery line, every phrase, every word seems exactly where it should be.
As Deb points out, the ending has power. But so does the opening, "as he sits there in the shadows that seek out guys like him".
More, please.
I second the support for third person, it's just the right distance for this character and story. I really like the way you handled the shadows in the first line--to have phrased it differently would have come close to cliche. This works nicely.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your sharing the story.
That was amazing. I could almost smell and taste the Jack/7. Very nice job of pulling a reader in.
ReplyDeleteLove that last line!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Maria, this particular flash in first person probably wouldn't be this truth worthy :)
Can't wait for the next piece of the series!
Lots of lovely phrases in this one, a real good character too. I like the way you've written so that it's as if things are happening to him, rather than him being proactive in his own life.
ReplyDeleteLove it, Laurita... Reminds me of Mr. Bonjangles...
ReplyDeleteLove the Downtown pieces. Altho, I don't necessarily think you HAVE to tie them together...
Last sentence -- pitch perfect. Great melancholy here, and desperation. Peace, Linda
ReplyDeleteNice hook with the missing guitar. Now we're all waiting to tune in next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel.
ReplyDeleteThanks again, everyone.
ReplyDeleteAnthony, I'm really torn on tying them together. I toyed with the idea, but I'm afraid it will take something away from them. Maybe at a later time.
Wow, that was great, love a good short sharp gripping piece of reading!
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